


Feels so Good

by Killermanatee



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Unaltered Endgame Timeline, don't pretend to be suprised., you know exactly what that means
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24126970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/pseuds/Killermanatee
Summary: A late night chat about love and life.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 24
Kudos: 31
Collections: Caught The Darkness (Star Trek Fandom Event - May 2020)





	Feels so Good

**Feels so Good**

She’s been tossing and turning for hours when she finally gives up on sleep. It’s never easy to find, and tonight it eludes her completely. Her thoughts won’t settle, circling around tomorrow’s events and mulling over the words she wants to say.

With practiced motions she gets out of bed and reaches for her clothes but stills when her fingers find the much stiffer fabric of her dress uniform. Not ready to give up on the night completely, she takes the extra steps to her closet to pull out a standard uniform instead; ignoring any of the more casual options, like she has done for so long now.

The halls are empty at this hour, in the artificial night created by the dimmed lights. Her feet require no conscious direction to take her to the mess hall, where she finds the thermos of coffee reserved for her behind the counter. She fills a cup and makes her way through the darkened room to find a seat.

She has to step around the neat rows of chairs and weave through the tall tables until she makes it to her spot in the corner. The one, that even now, remains undisturbed just like the coffee Chell keeps ready for her. She folds her legs under her and takes a first sip.

Usually she would use this time to be productive, read reports, study phenomena they are about to pass. Sometimes she allows her mind to drift while looking out to the stars. She loves this little refuge she can come to when her quarters seem too stifling, even if Neelix is no longer here to provide the kind words she had grown so used to.

Though tonight, the mess hall does little to offer her an escape as her eyes are drawn to the tastefully decorated arch she will have to stand under in a few hours. It’s the fifth time she is doing so, yet none of the other ceremonies kept her up at night. She is fully aware of how different this one is. She is not naïve enough to pretend it isn’t. 

There used to be a time when she pictured herself exchanging vows, not just officiating them. Back when she dreamt of marriage and happily ever after. Even as she tries, she can’t see herself and Justin taking that step in this kind of environment. Back then, something so simple and reduced would have never satisfied her. Not when there were flowers to discuss with her mother and color schemes to argue about with Phoebe. There were going to be friends and music and dancing, they were going to be as exuberant and carefree as you can only be at that age. Everything had been interwoven with excitement and hopes for a bright future together. After all, she and Justin had already been through so much, what could possibly come between them?

Her sip of coffee is scalding hot, burning its way down, providing a welcome anchor to the here and now.

She used to chastise herself for her childishness of those days. Now she just wonders if, maybe, she should have found a way to retrieve that jubilance along with her sanity.

_Jubilance_.

Definitely not something she connects with her second attempt at marriage - this one the organic consequence of a reasonable partnership.

Looking back now, she wonders if they would have been happy. If she would have ever committed to being a mother; if she could have been content with that much stability. This type of wedding certainly would have never worked for Mark; a ceremony solely reflecting her career. No longer being in love with him makes it painfully obvious how badly suited they were for each other as anything more than friends.

That leaves the last man she ever contemplated a future with. Always mindful to store those thoughts away as unwanted, she always refused to assign them any meaning. Now that they have been safely moved to the impossible, she can see them for what they were: slivers of her past lives, trying to find a way into her reality.

The whoosh of the opening doors brings her back to the present and when she sees who else has been driven here by insomnia she smiles. Who else would it possibly be, but _him._

He’s in uniform sans jacket, just like her and before she can say anything, his eyes find her.

“Can’t sleep either?” he asks as he walks up to the replicator where he orders chamomile tea. 

“No. What about you? Cold feet?”

Tea in hand, he takes the remaining steps to stand next to her. “No. Just… a lot on my mind.” He nods towards his usual spot. “Do you mind the company?”

“Never.”

He gets comfortable and she can’t help but watch him closely, to pay attention to the deepened wrinkles around his eyes and lips that speak so much more of joy than weariness these days. He’s looking at the spot where he will stand so soon, and she wonders if he’s feeling just as nostalgic tonight.

They are good at being silent, their friendship providing a sturdy bedrock for simply being together without having to exchange words. They may not spend as much free time together as they used to - now that he has found someone to share his life with - but in this moment, she knows that it hasn’t changed what they have either.

“How do you feel about tomorrow?” she asks, because she really wants to know, and because she no longer holds her breath as she wonders about his answer.

He puts his tea down and turns to her, needing a moment before he answers. “A little nervous. Not about what we’re getting into, but mainly because I feel I should be. Does that make sense?”

She smiles. “I’ve never been in your place, but I’ve come close enough to remember the expectations and surrounding jitters.”

“Do you ever think about how your life would have turned out if you had been able to do it?”

His eyes are gentle, showing her so very clearly that he is still understanding of the circumstances of her life with first Justin and then Mark falling so catastrophically apart. His care for her that he has so openly shown for over nine years warms her just as much tonight as any other time.

“I used to drown myself in those thoughts. But now I wonder if I would have found true happiness with either of them. It seems like we were so young. Both times. There is so much I got to see and experience that I would have never had the chance to if I’d gotten married.” She takes a deep breath and he reaches out to put his hand on her calf, in a gesture speaking of the extent to which he understands her. She lets the warmth sink in for a second before she goes on with a smile on her lips. “I guess I am not one to be tied down. Look at me: this is as far as it gets from settling.”

There is a pause in which he draws his brows together before he answers. “I don’t see marriage as being about standing still; it’s a basis from where you walk forward together.”

The clear antithesis to her statement stings for only a second, then the irritation dissolves as quickly as it appeared. She contemplates joking about how good it is that he won’t be marrying her, but that would imply a bitterness she doesn’t actually feel. So she opts for honesty instead.

“Your view certainly lends itself to a successful relationship much more than mine. I think if it had ever truly mattered to me, I would have found a way to have it; the family home to grow old in together. It has taken me a long time to accept that it was never important enough for me to give up on my career ambitions.”

Once again, he pauses and takes a sip of his tea before he answers. “Did you ever think about sharing that ambition? That maybe it’s not a trait that forces you to be on your own?”

A few years ago, his words would have held a deeper meaning, would have possibly been laced with expectations. Not anymore. Tonight, they only speak of his unwavering support.

“As I recall, you have always been very adamant that I’m not alone.” She reaches out to place her hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for that.”

His hand comes up to cover hers, his thumb lightly stroking her fingers. “Any time.”

They let the moment linger, smiling at each other from less than two feet apart. Her restlessness of earlier has wound down and been replaced with a sense of serenity. No, tomorrow is not a ceremony like the others; she is more emotionally invested, and it feels good to accept that for what it is. Because she wouldn’t want to deny herself this meaningful connection. The legally binding term will connect these two people who are so dear to her. But it won’t change who they all are to each other. This is just another step along the road they are traveling.

He lets go of her hand and they both finish their beverages. As he rolls his neck and yawns, she realizes that she isn’t the only one running on too little sleep. 

“You should try to get some rest. You’ve got a big day ahead of you,” she teases, stretches out her legs and lightly pats his knee. “Maybe we’re getting too old for these all-nighters.”

He grins. “Speak for yourself.” He stands and reaches out his hand which she gladly takes it to get off the chair.

“But I think I’m going to lay down again. What about you? Want me to walk you home?” He offers with a smile.

“Lead the way.”

He is at her side, their steps in sync. Ever the solid constant. It’s not a long walk and only a short turbo lift ride until they stop in front of her quarters, where they turn to each other.

She touches his elbow and once again his hand comes to cover hers.

“Don’t be lonely, Kathryn,” he says, his hand warm on hers, but devoid of electricity.

“I’m not. I have a family right here. Around me every day.” She smiles at him. “A family I hope will continue to grow.”

He laughs at that. “Let’s not get your expectations up too quickly.” 

Before she can overthink it, she stretches to press a kiss to his cheek. His skin is a little rough from evening stubble and her lips linger for a moment before she takes a step back.

“I am happy for you,” she says. “For both of you.”

And she really is.

* * *

_Feels so good, not to love you like I did_  
_It's like they tore away my blindfold and they said, we're gonna let this prisoner live_

_Well I don't know about tomorrow but I know what's coming next_  
_I've used up all my questions; I have no answers left_

_Feels so good not to wonder who you'll get_  
_Who you love, who you touch and who you kiss_  
_Oh baby, who'd ever guess that there's a side of loneliness as sweet as this_

\- Leonard Cohen

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to [Caladenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia) for organizing the event that brings us all so much.... joy? ;) 
> 
> Massive thanks to me ol' cobber [Miss_Mil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Mil) for the sick beta work. You beauty! 
> 
> Also thanks to [IceCream_Junkie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceCream_Junkie) for brainstorming. <3


End file.
